Friday Morning

Well what can I say?

That corner I turned, took me into a cul-de-sac.
Good job I didn't get excited.
Just got to find my bearings and get my self out.

Tuesday Morning

I think I turned a corner yesterday.

I am not going to get excited about it, but at the end of the day,
I felt...satisfied.

It was a hotchpotch of a day, with me dipping in and out of different things. Some decluttering, some reading, some television, some music, some blog-hopping, lets not talk about the eating. In all of these activities there were, signs, pointers, light bulb moments, discoveries.  I am not going to expand on them for the moment, but will attempt to follow them up today and see what happens.

We are changing tv/phone/broadband provider's today, I really dislike dealing with workmen in the house on my own and I am dreading them arriving, so that is going to be stressful, but I will take it and deal with it. Hopefully if all goes off without a hitch, I will post again later today about my thinking thoughts of thankfullness.

Monday Morning

Not back at work....

At my consultation with my doctor, it became apparent I am not ready to return to work.I want to return but I am scared of returning. We discussed my fear, my thinking, my emotions. He concluded I am not ready and gave me a note for two weeks. He wants to see me again on Friday to discuss an altered duties return to work. He has advised I have some playtime this week. So I am hoping to do some scrapping or card making or even some altered art. I say hoping, because I have for a long time had an emotional block on doing anything creative. I do scrap with my granddaughter's, a bake with my grandchildren. But doing anything creative that comes from inside of me, doesn't happen. Even at the retreat, the scrapping I did was very basic, I was just going through the motions. I enjoyed being there, but felt quite useless, especially after seeing some of the work that was going on around me. So I am away to find my MoJo, it must be here somewhere...

Quiet Time Continues...

Chilling with my honey.
Seeing my Bezzy tomorrow.
May be back in work on Monday.

Quiet Time

I have been having some quiet time, sleeping a lot, eating heathily and just taking things easy. We went to see Jessica and Emily in the school production of Wizard of Oz last night, that was fun. So all in all I am taking the advice give, of taking care of myself.  I am just of for a mooch around Hobbycraft to look for some 12 x 12 boxes for my ton's of scrapbooking papers. I will probabley come back with more that storage boxes knowing me...

Wake Up Call...

The scrapbook retreat was wonderful, the venue, the food, the company, the organisation were all brilliant.
Being with Trish was the best, she is a wonderful, loving and caring woman.  I am so blessed to have her as my best  friend.I was taken to hospital on Saturday with severe chest pain and she was with me every step of the way. I had the best possible care from the most fantastic people.  It was very scarey and hope I never experience anything like it again. From Nigel, to Judy, a doctor at the retreat. From the three paramedic's to the nurses and doctors at the hospital. The A&E support worker who stuggled to get my blood, to the staff nurse with a very pretty name.  They were all amazing and I am so grateful for their kindness and great care.

I had two lots of bloods taken, two ECG's and a chest xray and thankfully there was nothing wrong with my heart.  The general consensus is it was a caffeine overload.  I do not usually drink coffee, but I do not like tea in the hotel.  So I was drinking coffee from Friday afternoon until the chest pain started. It is the only  thing I can think can of caused the severe pain in the centre of my chest.

Today I have felt wonderful, euphoric in fact.  Yesterday I thought I was dying and it scared me so. I realised how precious life is and  I want to live a long, long time. The love and compassion I received from strangers when I returneds to the hotel yesterday evening was very humbling. My husband came back early from Scotland when Trish rang him to let him know what was happening. He arrived at the hotel at around 9pm and brought me home. We needed to cling to each other after such a scare.  We talked a lot about the emotions, thoughts and fears of the day.

This morning I went back to the hotel for the last day of the retreat.  I went into the restaurant to find Trish having breakfast. We had an emotional reunion, yesterday it was banter and nervous laughter to keep my spirits up.  Today is was the realisation of how it could have gone so far the other way, There were hugs, tears and hand holding and a immense feeling of gratitude.

When we went into the room where we were scrapbooking, I was greeting by such kind and welcoming words and hugs.  All day people were coming to me expressing their concern and their pleasure at seeing me looking well.

This was a Wake Up Call and I am acting on it.
I know I want to live, I want to lead a happy, healthy, joyful life.
I know thge depression will probably decent upon me again within days.
I am going to fight it every step of the way.

WATCH THIS SPACE

Feeling SCRAPPY hoping to get to HAPPY

My Bestest Friend will be arriving this morning at around 10:30.We are both in need aof huge doses of hugs and laughter.I think there will be tears, in fact I know there will be tears.We usually laugh till we cry, but today I think it will be the reverse.We are going on a Scrapbooking Retreat for three days.I have been looking forward to it for months, but now I am very nervous, unprepared, if it wasn't for Trish I think

I would pull out. My butterflies are in a frenzy as I write and a feeling of weakness engulfs me.

My husband left at 5:30am for Scotland, going to do some jobs for his mum and hopefully get in some walking with Titch. I am missing him like crazy.  He was concerned as he left, asking was I going to be ok.

I told him I would, but before he got to the end of the road I was in bits. This has got to stop.

I hope I don't spoil this weekend for Trish. She deserves a break.

We need a prescription of fun and laughter, delicious food, good company.

Taken for three days solid.  followed up with  top ups at regular intervals.

Hope you have a great weekend, thanks for sticking around. 

Water Fun

These are my Joy

They had so much fun.

Ralph

Jessica

Emily

Love you So Much

Freedom Challenge Week 2

Well I failed miserably in the first week, I am not beating myself up about it, just hoping next week will be better, I am still trying to fathom out why this black cloud has invaded my heart, mind and soul.
Maybe I need to revise my goals as Deb suggested in this  lovely comment. "Let yourself relax; take some of the pressure off of yourself. Change your FREEDOM Challenge goals to,
"Treating yourself with kindness." :)"


Depression is a common mental disorder that presents with depressed mood,
loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low self-worth,
disturbed sleep or appetite, low energy, and poor concentration.
These problems can become chronic or recurrent and lead
to substantial impairments in an individual's
ability to take care of his or her everyday responsibilities.
At its worst, depression can lead to suicide, a tragic fatality
associated with the loss of about 850 000 lives every year.

Paul Carrack - Satisfy My Soul

It was a good weekend, we spent Saturday in Liverpool with my baby daughter Helen and her two gorgeous girls Jessica and Emily. I was a very relaxed and happy day and it did me the world of good. Yesterday was spent doing some more delcuttering with my darling.  We had a good day with a few laughs.

Today is my first day on my own and I am trying to keep busy and have some noise about me. I listened to the positive thinking cd and although the voice on it drones I will continue to use it, along with the medication.
I always used to have music playing, but I realised this week I have not had music in the house for a long time. I have a cd on in the car always, but the house as been quiet for a long time, too long.

So this morning I picked out a couple of cd's at random and I got Lonestar and Paul Carrack. They were both good choices and I enjoyed them both. Paul Carrack's words and music always touch's me and
"Satisfy My Soul" got me this morning.

Yes it is/was me, I was considering suicide.
 I don't know why, I really don't.
There is no way I can explain my thinking or my actions.
I am sincerely sorry to have caused such concern.

Two doctors, one of my employers and my own gp.
 Have talked to me at length, yesterday and today.
Resulting in my being signed off work for initially two weeks and
have been prescribed antidepressants.

I am sincerely sorry for the pain and hurt I have caused my
darling husband and my dearest Trish.
My children are not aware of how low I have been and
I hope will never find out that I had seriously considered ending my life.

I am truly grateful for the love and concern I have felt, read and heard
of tonight. I will reply to all the emails as soon as I can but just want to say
thank you here, you all know who you are and you are very special.

Suicide is Painless? Is It?

Why would someone who seems to have it all consider suicide?
How can someone be seen to be living a normal life be thinking of suicide?
What stupid chemical reaction in the brain can make suicide an attractive option?
Is it a chemical reaction or is it a demon that taunts and pushes in the darkness of solitude?

The Hallway Before Decluttering

Blooger is being a right pain in the A$$ right now, it is mucking up my photo's, blocking comments I am seriously thinking of packing in here!!

Trouble with Blogger?

Is anyone else having trouble with Blogger?

I have tried to leave comments on several blogs and keep getting bounced off?

The Freedom Challenge

Well here we go....

I am joining in Deb's Freedom Challenge.

It begin's today and ends in four weeks time on August 2th.

I have four goals goals for this four weeks:

One

1. Ride my brand new bike that I have had

over a month on only ridden 20 yards so far.

I want to ride at least three miles every other day.

So I should have ridden 42 miles

by the end of the challenge.

(Maybe more)

Two

Read at least one book each week of the challenge.

Since my darling and I have been together

I have not read in bed.

I have always done my reading in bed, all of my life.

I miss reading so I have got to learn to read out of bed ;)

Three

 I am going to declutter the hallway.

Photo's will chart my progress.

Four 

Finally I will try to learn to meditate and pray as I did as a young woman.

When my faith was strong and true. I want that back.

Happy July 4th

Just home from Bonnie Scotland, tired but happy to be home.
Just wanted to wish all my friends in the USA the Happiest of Day's today.

July 1st But a Little Late

I had meant to post about being in July already, but things got away from me today.
Work was YuCk!!
My husband was/is poorly sick.
The plumber who was supposed to come at 9am arrive and 2:40pm,
right in the middle of the tennis!!

We took Titch to stay with my daughter for the weekend
as we are going up to Scotland tomorrow until Sunday.
I am a little nervous about Titch jumping up on
my lovely mother in law in her fragile state.
So we will leave her with Helen for the moment.

So as I won't be about until Monday I just want to wish all you lovely folk across the pond
Happy Canada Day. (See I sent the Queen to join your celebrations;))
and
Happy Independence Day for Sunday.

Monday will see the start of Deb's Freedom Challenge so I will be posting my goals for that.
They will have nothing to do with weight!!

Have a Great Weekend