Monday, 6 September 2010

That Was the Weekend That Was.....

The wedding was beautiful, the bride and groom were gorgeous, the venue was delightful. The food both, the wedding breakfast and the evening buffet was delicious.  It was a perfect day, almost...

For me two things spoilt it for me.
Number one was me, big, fat, yucky me, when I saw the photo's my husband took I was devastated. I looked fat, frumpy and old!!  I knew the weight I have lost had started creeping back, but it must have stampeded this past week!!

Number two was Phil getting drunk after promising Trish he would not, therefore breaking her heart yet again. Why people who profess to being friends of both of them, who know the problems Phil has with alcohol.  Insist on buying him pint after pint, I am dumbfounded at this behaviour and don't know who was to blame, the people who plied him with drink or Phil for drinking himself into oblivion.

My heart is heavy for Trish and for me, Trish has no control over Phil, but I should have control over me, my weight and what I put in my body.  So what have I done today? I have stuffed my face until I feel sick, I am disgusted with me, disgusted with Phil.  What am I to do?  I am seriously thinking of leaving Blogland.  I am sick of writing about being a failure, you must be sick of reading my crap.


dawne said...

I am never sick of reading your words Sheilagh. These struggles, or as you say crap, are real life, honest struggles that we ALL can relate to. When we share our feelings like this, we realize we are not alone.

You'll stop stuffing your face, deal with the emotion in a different way, move on and continue in the journey.

Anonymous said...

Sheilagh, If you look at most of our blogs, you will find the same kind of posts. Even those who claim to be floating delightfully thru their weightloss eventually have posts of despair.

That is the way it is when fighting any addiction whether it be alcohol or food or shopping or gambling or cocaine. It is what it is.

Those substances are what we use to cope and to have fun and to relax.... Until they have become addiction and then they don't work anymore. We just are in the habit of thinking that they do.

So we use and it comes back to bite us. Joining the addiction's revenge by beating yourself us does not help. It doesn't--although we all do it.

When those feelings of self-loathing and disappointment start, we need to notice it and do what we need to do to stop it.

Often blogging helps with that. Once the poison is on the page, some of its power leaves.

As far as eating today in response to realizing that you had eaten your way into being a weight that emabarrassed you? Well, as insane as that sounds, that's what we all tend to do. It's just like the drunk who has to start his day with the "hair of the dog that bit him."

That's the addiction. If addiction is a word you don't like, call it whatever you want. But it is what abusing food does.

Indulging in self-lothing only feels like the right thing to do because we think we need to be punished. But--it doesn't help; it just keeps us bound.

So, what to do? Well, take a deep breath. Realize that you are not any more flawed than the rest of us. You just may be more honest and open on your blog than some.

Realize that there is a better way to live--a better way to care for yourself.

And then get a reasonable plan. REASONABLE, baby-step kind of plan. Don't try to have the perfect diet and to follow perfectly. ugh. Not possible.

I don't know what works for you. Probably cutting back on sugar and adding healthy fruits and vegetables and water would be a good start. So would three balanced meals a day. :) But, maybe not. Everyone has their own "best" way. Maybe instead of best, though, you should go for do-able. :)

Just go to the Father and let Him love you. Allow yourself to learn from this rather than beating yourself into submission.

Take a breath, Sheilagh. You are loved--and like the rest of us--you are not perfect.

This is a tough fight. As my last post shows.


Buttercup said...

We are all in this struggle...sometimes go easier and sometimes it's all we can do to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. You didn't do anything wrong. My heart goes out to Trish and I am saddened by those who kept urging Phil on. If I was tired of your posts I wouldn't be here. Please stop beating yourself up -- it was a rough weekend. I would miss you a lot, my blog friend across the ocean.

Looking forward to seeing you in New York and we can share the autumn leaves and a cup of tea!

accidental carer said...

I need you to stay here darling. Just look at these comments. How can you leave this kind of support? By the way Deb are you a counsellor? If not you should be!!

You did not look half bad on Saturday in other people's eyes. To me you looked beautiful and elegant and my best friend. That is because I love you so much. To you you looked all of the negative things. That is because you don't love you?? So where to start?

Look back to when you enjoyed eating. Go back to posting your meals. I envied your healthy bowls of cereal and your wonderful salad dishes etc.

You have done it ; you can still do it; your health your happiness and your self love depends on it. In the weeks leading up to your wonderful holiday only put GOOD stuff in your mouth. You know you can do it you have shown us all how.
Don't treat it as a battle but a challenge.

If you can't do it for you then do it for me cause I know I am going to need you for a long long time and that's a fact.
I need you to feel good about yourself- you need to feel good about yourself and you know you can succeed. You are the one who encourages me so please be encouraged now by me and all these wonderful blog friends. Big Big kisses and hugs xxxxxx love you loads xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

cmoursler said...

She, whatever you are, it isn't disgusting.
I am not sick of reading what you write.
I like coming here, to read about you. Whether you ever lose another pound or are worth talking to and reading about.
There is so much more to you than what you weigh.
that being said.
eating the food was a punishment to you and a way to cover your feelings. You are worth treating well. Don't leave. Don't wallow in today.
Tomorrow, get up and dust yourself off and get back on your horse..
We love you She..

266 said...

You are a wonderful soul, Sheilagh, and I am so honoured to have come to 'know' you in some sense through blogging. Don't let the two-dimensional reflections that turn up in photographs dull the radiant light that shines from within you. You are beautiful!

Marie said...

I think we all have those "could kick my own ass" moments. I lost 3 stone last year and fear I have put most of it back on since losing my mob and home earlier this year. I don't know for sure because I am afraid to get on the scales! I just get up each morning and resolve to try to do better today. Nobody can ask any more from anyone than that! I think you're a beautiful lady with lots of soul and a huge heart. I love blogging because it helps me to share everyting in my life in a significant and helpful way, probably help myself most of all! I, for one, would hate to see you quit! xxoo

Marie said...

I meant Job . . . not mob.
*Note to self . . . *Proof read, Proof read, Proof read.*

Tina xx said...

Sheilagh, I think Deb has hit the nail on the head and I couldn't have put it better myself.
Do Not beat yourself up !!! You do not deserve that. You are human like the rest of us, and we all have these moments, frequently !! It is not a failure not to be saintly 100% of the time, it is just human nature I'm afraid. Take tiny little steps hunnie. Like Deb says, try drinking more water to start for the first week. Then cut back on one thing that you feel you could do without the next week, and so on. Little by little, step by step you will be where you want to be again. Just stop hating yourself and love the lovely Sheilagh that we have all come to know. I don't tend to comment very often on blogs at the moment, I scarcely get the time, but I always read yours, and believe me you do not write crap. You are a lovely, warm honest human being and that should be cherished xxx

Beth said...

Please don't go!

Rettakat said...

Such loving, heartfelt and wise advice... there is nothing more I could add.

Except to say, I hope you don't go. We all need somewhere that feels "safe" to pour out our feelings... and if it helps you to put them here, then that is great. And like the others said, we all have those kinds of days and feelings, at one time or another.

I am late getting caught up with blog reading, so I hope you are feeling better by now and will consider staying. It's so comforting to feel others can understand and identify with our struggles. Maybe not exactly in the details... but in the pain of the struggle.

{{{Big hugs}}}


spunkysuzi said...

Hon just take it one minute/one hour at a time!! You are so worth it. Please, please don't leave blogland.